I know that I shouldn’t be doing this to myself… but every time im left alone, I cant stop thinkn about yu…
Sitting here on my bed, looking up at my wall… reading my lot of poems that remind me of yu…
I know it’s been months now and I AM over you! Lol… but it’s just the little things that makes me smile, cry and miss being with u!

Yesterday would be 5 months if we were still together! >_< lol I rember little things ok!! O_o hehehe *sigh* 5 months has felt like forver..more like 1 year !! >_<” this half year has been a crayzee ride!! Some moments I will never forget, but some I wish never happened. I don’t regret getting to kno ‘him’, coz it was fun… while it lasted I guess =X and blEH! WHER IS MY TIME mACHINE!!! Lolzz >_<” if I had one and wasn’t allowed to change the future, I tink I would keep rewinding and replayn the times I spent alone with him.. those moments when the clocks seemed to stop ticking and nothing else in my miserable life mattered… as long as I had him x_O sigh~ yes maybe I must admit- I was slightly love sick! Hahaha x_X ..
But I guess, the past cannot be changed – whats done is done right?! –
“must move on, find someone new, he not worth ur tears, there are many more fishies out ther inda sea!!” lolzz.. yesss I heard u the first time ppl!! HAHAH >_<” im not that stoopid ok!! Hrmm I appreciate ur concern.. but its not that easy sometimes ok lolz…and it jus times like this..when im all by myself and the weather is like.. pretty much..perfect =) lol hrmm and yer probably at times when im boredz and feelin like blehhh >_<” yarhh* onli these times do I tink abt little things in life !

hrmm.. the past few nights I have been talkn to my fwens over msn abt this topic! And *randomz* >_< I sed… hrmm.. you know wut I miss sooo much atm?? (lolz) *sigh* kissin my ex !! loLZzz =X *sighz* he tasted like apple^^coz he loved his fruits and espeshially apples! =) and one night when he was over, he ate my apple lollies and I *muakzxd* him =P lolzz and he tasted like apple!! ^_^ hehehe and smelt like vanilla =D *sighz*
coz wen we wer together, we went shoppin once and we walkd into the body shop!! And he was being stoopid and smellin all the stuffs inda shop..hehe and we came across the vanilla section! And ther was this body mist that smelt like vanilla!! And omgosh it smelt sooooooooo gooooodz!!! Ahahaha >_<” it was soo sweet – “good enof to eat”!! *smiles* and I sprayed it on his neck =P and it smelt yummmiiii *big grin* hrmm newasie a few days later I bought a bottle for him..hrmm like.. just for fun kinda thingy =P heheh and everytime he came to see me he would always wear the vanilla ^^ *sigh* so now everytime is mell vanilla =D reminds me of him >_< *sighz* some of my fwens think I am crayzeee!!! Lolz… they askn me whuy im still holdin on when it jus makes me sad and oso after all the crap that he put me thru..!! =/ hrmm.. welzz…I know how much he has put me thruu *errhemm!! first hand experience here!! LOLZz* bleh! That boi broke my heart more than once!! x_O *sighz* but I guess I would rather be fwens wit him then never talk to him agen..hrmm soo.. – forgive and forget?! – I only keep the happy memories of me and him in my head and I onli think of these things at times like this!! Lolzz >_<”
sighhhh I miss havn a bf!! To hav someone ther for yu whenever u need a hug and kiss! Hahah >_<” siigh someone to talk to .. a shoulder to lean on when ur down !! =/ sigh…

“how do I say hello, when I just wana talk to uu…
how do I say you’re beautiful when I cant take my eyes off you!
I dun wana say anything, coz I juz wana impress you….” – usher, how do I say…

*sigh* its like, sometimes… instead of just a hello or a wave… I just wana walk up to him and hug and kiss him like I used to =X I miss those times soooo much!! Bleh *tears* sigh~~
I miss his cute, cheeeky-asss smile he would hav on his face after he kisses me *sighz*
I miss wwatchin him fall asleep coz lol he is sooooooo adorably cute when he is sleeeping!!! LOL *shush* Don’t gET anY iDEAaas!!!!! LOLll *sighz* >_<”
I miss all those goodnight kisses under the mooonlight… the nights when he tucked me into bed…
I miss huggin him coz he was nice and tall [190cm] =P *perfect fo mee I tell u!! lolzzz* coz when I hugged him my head would be near his shoulder and sighhh…I juz miss him…
*tear*

“Every time this day comes by
I find myself asking … whuy!?
Why did you have to leave me and break my heart?
Did you ever love me? Even at the start?

I wonder what I did wrong to loose you that day…
Because I miss you so much in every single way!
Like those long endless nights we touched…
Those moments I miss so much!
Your sweet and warm smile
That made me believe that all of life was worth while.

Every time this day passes by
I find myself with tears in my eyes
Coz I still miss you till this day
Hoping for a mirical that you will walk my way…” ~~[241104]

<>

loSt…bRain dEAd! =X liFe suKZ! >_<”

Been living in this world for 16 years now… and soo many things I have learnt on my way…
Falling in love in july and getting my heart broken the very next minute.
Life is not as easy as spelt.
It is filled with soo much pain and sometimes, so much love…
Every corner I turn, I seem to find something blocking my way…
Blocking my way from thinking straight… and hurting me in every single way ..left, right and center.
They say that “all good things come to those who wait” sigh I duno wtf im talkin abt…
My head has just been soo very fukd lately…and its killing me!! >_<
Its not juz the boi..=/ however, as u all should kno..he played a very big part in mai major 2004 depression! Sighz >_<”

Sometimes I wish that I was never born! If I could choose to give someone else my life in exchange for me not being born..! lol I would gladly be honored! Lolz..that is if I knew all the crap that I was gona hav to put up wit !! sighz~~ but then.. we can never tell the future, and must take things as they come! =/ argh! Sigh… if onli ther was a time machine..so we could see the future and oso go back in time to make changes in our life!! =/ I kno im livin a dream, and oso as good as it may sound..it not that best thing to do! Lol =/ coz changing time would change the present!! And ther are some things in life that arent that bad I guess! Lol =/ hahaha sigh im juz talkin shiet! Sigh
My head is soo fukd and exams are coming up!!! I serioulsy duno wut to do nemore..=/
I cant study…. Its not like I havnt tried..it juz that I duno how and I reli cant concentrate! Sigh >_< this semesters exams seem to be creepin up faster than the last..and it feels asif ther isnt any time to study!! =/
ArgH… I don’t know wut to type..! I duno wut to say nemore..!! today I was out wit fwens and ..i duno.. some weird feelings just came over me and I stopped talking..for ..the rest of the day =/ sigh..
I duno wut the answer is to all the questions in my head.. I duno wut to do wit everything that is going on… everything around me seems to b going on soo fast, and I duno how to deal wit everything nemore…

*slow jammin atm* omgosh nice old school songs!! *cries* dont say goodbye-human nature! lolz
..sigh.. I wish I never turned 16!! It was one of the worse days of my life and I wish I forgot abt everything that night!! Sigh… evreythin that has happened after that day hav been super fukd I tell u!! I cant even explain how fukd it has been.. sigh.more painful than words can explain..sigh..
I duno wut to do nemore!!!!! >_____<” ther are soo many things in mai head…but I duno how to put it all in words…I duno how to say it..im juz feeling all this crap inside of mee… feeling all the pain that is pullin me down..
Btw I tink me being a scorpio has quite a lot of things to do wit how Im feeling, and how I act towards my feelings!! Coz I tell u ..scorpios..altho we are the best and most exotic in bed!! (LOL it was in a magazine!! LOL..all facts!! Im not makin netink up =P) haha wel..hrmm eventho we are the most sexiest =P we are also the most stubborn and jealous creatures ever!! Sigh >_<” hahaha im serious eyy! Lol I got examples and living proof lor! >_<”
Life sukz … siiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhh
I tink by know everyone who reads this should know…
And yes I kno my blogs dun make sense… I dun even kno wut I typ.. im typing everything that come to my head..=/ hrmm if u think it confusing… lOL.try living my life..try to understan wut is going on in my head… !!! hrmm its soo much more confusing and fukd up! =X sighz~~ soo fukd that I duno how to explain it…ther seriouly are no words that can describe the pain that I go thru ..=S sighz

The other day..im soo stoopid!! I bought somthink from the body shop…. Something that reminds me of him…=/ sigh~~ I luv that smell..and it reminds me of him..but lol..i lOVE thAT SmELL!!! Lolz >_< hrmmm bleh* stoopid me!! Haha keep on hurtin myself..!! sigh.. but oso, that day I got a pink helium balloon..and I sed to myslef…
That I was gona let go of the balloon wen I get back home and write sum stuff on it and once I let it go..imma let all the crap I wrote the balloon go tooo!! Soo I wrote my random thoughts and watched my balloon fly away!! >_< in an…indirect wayy..lol I was lettin go of things..sigh … letting go of some of the burdens that m heart held … =/ tryin to let go of the past and move on with life..!! =X sighhhhhhhhh~~~
I like to talk crap don’t I? Rofl..soweeeee >_<” I duno netink now adayz…

The life of a fuked up dreamer, who thinks wayy too much..wasting her time dreamin abt a life that she will never ever have… a happiness that she will never ever find and a love that does not exist!!!!
Lol..hrm not reali abt the love part..lol but it juz sounded kool >_<” stil…I wouldn’t mind to hav somoene to call my own..someone to hold and hug at night agen..sigh..>_< uoyssimi!! >_< arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh blehhhhhhhh *cries*
Omgosh soo many nice songs tonight >_< siiiighhh
*reminiscing* bleh..sighh…

<>

There are times in life when it feels like everyone around you doesn’t know that u exist.
When u are left wit all the pain and troubles, with no one to lend a helping hand.
Why does life have to be so hard, so painful…

i hate my life

omFg..!! my explorer decided to work...*tears of joy* i havnt ritten here in sooooo long!! i miss u sooo much blogger!! lolz *sighz*
wel.. exams are coming up slowly..... 3 more dayz and i got two on thursday then IC on the following day..>_< sighz* it starting to sink in now!! sighz....
newaise...time to update haha >_<
omfg..and now wen i get this net going ...my fukn mother kikn me offline!! im serioulsy gona cry now =/ argh >_< sighh
my life sukz and i hate it very much..sumtimes i wish i fukn slept and never woke up inda mroning..>_<..sigh
iwl cont. this later >_<

year is ending....

it may only be the 5th of novemeber..but the year is ending..FaSt! >_< exams are comin up in 1 week...and school finishes for me on the 24th nov. >_< onli 19 more days...!!! argh...=/ sighh...
durin this time i have soo many decisions to make, and i have to sort myself out big time!
i have made a point to myself, to start new... start fresh!! and hav a new start next year... !! to put everything behind in 2004..and ..yer.. strat agen? hehe =)
but then ..hrmm things are easier sed then done..
end of year... im hoping to go to spore so i can meet up wit them sporean bumz hehe *missn u all* ^_^ yarh and get my ball dress for next year! rofl =D
thats if i am coming back next year...........
sigh*i might hav to go overseas wit my daddy >_< sighz i duno wut i want!!!
coz i mean, to start new..china would be the best place to go!!!..to start new..and get away from all the crap here!! but then agen... sigh..
china is very far away, and is a very new place for me..>_< and i got ssoo many fwens back here adn i duno how im goign to leave themz all =/ *sobz*
it will be daymn painful..altho i am comin back in 1.5 years time..>_< STILL!!! lolz
it will be hard... iwl be cryign alot! lolz >_< and feeling even more lonely than i alreadi am..>_< sighz*

newasie, besides that..hrmm.. HAPPY 20th BDAy to WEi-lianG for todayy =) hope u hav a WAYYYY better bday than i did this year >_< sigh* iwl seee u on saturday for ur "luncheon" hahaha >_< ARGH im going to be a loner therE!! hrmm but im used to it?
alwasie being ditched and rejected? i got alot of that on MY BDAY! =( sighz*

aiyahhhhhh~~ bleh* life if fukn full of motherfukn fukd up shiet!!! ^copyright of J_s^ heheheh =P p/jk =)
sighh.....

i onli got 3 mins left of class then i wont be on till monday >_< coz i still got no explorer =( *cries* so iwl giv u a brief summary of wut i will be doing this w/e! lolz
hrmm tonight im going to jennies house to do EngliSH assignemtn! rofl.. >_<
hrmm saturday is alex's bday thingy heheh..yer so hrmm ther i will be ..!!!
sunday.. study study study..i tink me is goin to murdoch college lib. hehe^^
yarh newasie i best be off now...

hugz* take cares all

Quote today:
" We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give...."
Norman MacEwan

emptiness....again.... lolx

*sigh* wel..everyday seems to be the same.. >_<"
every night wen im alone..im alwasie left there thinkn of him..... sigh* i know i sed that i waas over him... but he is alwaise in my heart..but ...argh.... sigh* i duno nemore..=/
i know that he isnt worf it... coz of all the pain that he has put me thru... *tears* but i duno whuy i still let myself tear for him.. how come i let myself hold on to him...
i still hoping that one day..maybe... we could be agen.. >_<" they say that ur first is hard to let go..and fukn hel..its so truu.. but hrmm he wasnt even that .. i mean, we werent that serioulsy commited.. wel, if one side is and the other isnt.. it juz dun work..>_< so hrmm yah >_< we were juz a short thing..... which felt like ...a very long time.. and as the days, weeks and months past.. i feel more and more lonely adn empty... =/ sighZZz* last ngiht i was lyin ther alone..trying to do my hwk....but all i could think abt was him.. i duno whuy i let myself do it...i think i juz cant help it >___<" ther are soo many things that remind me of him.. soo many things in my room... my toys, my bed (sumtimes), juz lookin around at certain places in my room.. remembering wut we did..when adn where =/ *tears*
i alwasie find myself in tears, lyin in bed..missing him... sigh* songs remind me of him...-, argh* it makin me go crayzee i tell u! lolz.. >_< but i kno!! that i MUST get over him..>_< but i cant find it in myself to let him go completely... =/ *sighz*
they say that time heals wounds.... hrmm.. time... it has been soo long now... >_<
today i was looking at my school diary and fillin out my exam times.. and one of my exams are on the 24th of november... 24th!! hrmm sigh...that made me think agen.. coz on that day it would hav been 5 months....>_< it been soo long..... i mean, we could hav been soo long..>_< time has been flying soo fast ! and it not helping me at all =/ im still stuk on him....and im still alone.... argh* this stoopid bf and gf thing..! argh* *sobz*
sigh~ i kno i dun hav a chance wit him nemore.. i blew it wit that stoopid sms.. >_< i cant believe i did that eyy.. sighz* i alwasie think abt that..and wonder wut it would be like if i never sent it..and if i were still wit him....
at nights i wouldnt be alone.. at nights iwl hav him to hold me tight..and i wouldnt be tearing... >_<
i was writting a hrmm poem/my thoughts.. on a lil piece of paper.. >_< hrmm i thought to myself.... and wondered how it is possible that juz ONe person could make me feel soo great, so speshial, like i was on top of the world..then the next moment making me feel like nothing, like wanting to die and not breath again.. juz one person.. shattering my heart into millions of pieces and juz leavin me ther to die alone in the cold... >_< these millions of pieces.. hurts soo much to put back together..and i dun tink that not even half are picked up...
they say that a break up is like a broken mirror.. it is better to be left alone then hurting urself to pick it back up... >_<" sighz*
i cant follow these sayings..rofl..they juz dun work... >_<" wel..not for me! ahaha
i tink that the onli way i can get rid of him is if i find sumwun else...but then that is not right..i mean, it wont be fair for the new guy..but then agen..hrmm maybe if i find sumwun else who is interested in me ten... i would be able to completely move on.. >_<"
argh i duno wut im talkn abt.. im juz mubbling on and on..and i tink im being relli repetative..and i cant spell too!! lolz >_<" sighz*~~
..........sigh............
i told myself that after the end of year holidays im goin to start new.. >_< sigh bleh ..wel ..hrmm yarh we will see wut happens....
newasie im going now..end of school....
i got after school studyies too :( sobz*
okok BYEbyebyebyebeyb

siif sweet sixteen... sigh*

saturday was my bday and it was a ... argh a reali reali bad dayy!! a day that i will never forget for all the wrong reasons...
first of all i woukld like to say a big THANK YOU! to all u city bumz!! iwl list all ur names too..rofl..coz omgosh i duno wut i would hav done witout u guys!!! >_<"
Gary, AzA, niCk, joEleE, fuZzy, bUrnEt...hRmm n eVeryOne elSe who hElpd..lol i was tooo dead to rember..>_< but yErr..ThANK U soOo mUCh u GUySs!!!!
secoNdly i would alsO like to say sOrry to all u boiS..>_< and eSpeShiallY NICK and GaRY, anD fuZz tooo!! coZz hRMm sorry for yAkking in ur sHOp niCk and tHankz n soWeE for makN u tWo clEan it Up! >_< hrM thankZ azAa foR lEndin mE a shoUlder... jOEl anD fuzz foR clEaning mE up..anD burnEtt foR kinDA lookin aFTer tiNA eventHo u weR ofF ur face tooo!! lolz =P
okok.. now i will tell u abt my... sigh dodgy bday experience !!

wel...hrmm nothign went to plan.. hrm not many ppl showed up to the BBQ.. but hrm besides that it was ok~~ hrm i got chased around by ...lol everyone wit.. water bombs and water bottles...and esky!! rofl..>_< yarh lotsa running! hehehe and i oso go dragged abt 20m into a lake...... =/ but i didnt get thrown in lukily!! and sowee for flashin everyone..if i did?! hahaahah *gRrr @ kEvin* lOlz.. jkz =D

hrm after that was pretty dodgy coz hrmm SOMEonE didnt keep his promise and belz, tina and me ended up walkn to the nearest bus-stop ( abt 30 minz away ) carrying a fukn esky around!!! arghh painfully tiring !!! >_< *sobz* hrm yer that got on my nerves, coz hrmm we got ditched..by soo manyy ppl =/ sigh* all on my bday >_<"
BUT WaiT THERs MORE !!! =X

during the bus trip to nb..i was opening up my bday cards and then i got tto a yellow envelope... given to my by wei wei..=/ hrmm that made me cry ...ALOT...coz sigh for no reason he wanted to end our friendship..after soo manyy years and all the shiet we been thru..>_< for no reason, thru a card ON MY BDAYY!! cOMEeon!!! FFS!!
sigh* that got to me..and i started cryin in the bus..then later i showd weener and she comforting me.. *ThaNKz SbbS* hrmm sigh* then later we arrived at nb.....
i went to find the ex to borrow his car but he was a being a dickhead and didnt let me use it, even wen he sed that i could the other day >_< sobz* that hurt me too and got me to finally get over him..lol *abt time serene?* sigh =/
i kno iwl never forget him tho coz he was my first for a few things...so yeh..sigh
][loSt in my mEmoriess....but i still miss him.. after all the pain and hurt that he put me thruu.... uOySsiMi...][
sighZz -_- sigh newaise being all emotionally fuikd alreadi... i cried even more wen my fwen from spore called...>< coz it was i tink hrm 6pm and i thought he forgot it was my bday..and so wen he called..i cryed!! haha >_< sigh* but this was tears of happiness so yer haha ^^ but then i was at gelares and *tearing* rofl.... and kal, kev, fuz, joel, n viv came along and they thought i was crying coz of my ex..=/ sigh* i told them it wasnt juz hiM... wel i tried to..lol kinda choked coz i was crying..sigh* o wels...
newasie after that...karaoke! =D it was funnnn..until i walked down those utopia stairs!! OMGOSH that made me sick!!! >_< coz i had hrmm 12 shots alreadi and so i was all happy and tipsy and i dun tink the effekt hit me yet..>_< yarh heheheeh and i kinda err..yerr leaned on aza alot in Co and i rember sittin aroun on the floor and i yaked in CO!! omgosh soo sowee! lolz >_< wel at least i wasnt as bad as my SBBS! after 3 shots..in abt 15 mins..she was gone! lolz >_< and she yaked err 6 tiems !! pooor gal!! hope u feelin better sbbs! =)

yah it was fun tho..the karaoke and sining and watchn tina drunk! rofl >_< hahahah sigh* GRr they never stopped me from drinkn!! lolz..had wayy too much ...and i was depressed too so bleh* soo fukd!!! hrm got home at like 12 too >_< oopz..mother !~! hahahaha yarhh.. and then sunday mornin... HANGOverRr!!! LOlz..>_<" sighzz*
and then at night i was onda fone wit my fwen adn talkn abt months back and reminicsing.. sigh* i wont ever forget that bum!!! lolz >_<" ~*first kiss*~ and first proper boi..sighhh >_< arghhh i hate him for wut he did yeserday....but still miss him and like..inside my heart he has carved his name in eyy..fukn hurt like a biatch and i cant get rid of him no matter how hard i try! sigh* hrmm was i in love? rofl bleh im over him ^___^ after the exams im plannin on starting new..fresH* so forget everying..leave 2004 behind..and do my best wit nothign in my head in 2005 =) hopefully it will work ouT.. >_<" sighz*
newasie i better be off now...still in class >_< explorer at home dun work! sigh!
ummm here is a bday shoutout list to all my ocotober baybies!! hehe *hugz*
hAppy bday to.....
jasmine, amanda i, deb, tegan, peter, sarah, wongsta, vivian, charli, wai yan, amanda leeee, courtney, fuzzy, kevin, han, elaine, danny, daddy!, brianz, myself? lol, umm.. happy anniversary to my parents, umm, happy bday to williamz gf! rofl..>_< and hrmm HAPPy bdAy to my biatCH : suE-li hoNG , and lYNna for TOdayz! =)
*i hope that u all had a beter bday then i did* sighz* keep it rockingz pplz..
o and happy 3 month to suE and teO! hahaha *miss ya pOoo* ^_^

oKOk.. wel go find me a bf and a magic potion to help me pass my exams!! o as well as wings..so i can fly away from all of my problems!! sigh >_<
thank u all for puttin up wit me..and espesh thaankz agen to all the bois that looked after me on saturday night !! ^^

biABiazz~~ ^-^